Madcap (zimdanen) wrote,


I'm a big fan of Thanksgiving. The family, the food, the ritualistic's all good. But while I love Thanksgiving itself, I don't much care for the premise behind it. The premise I speak of is right there in the title - Thanks. Much like Christ is the root word in Christmas and spunk is the root word in Spunk Hashanah (my biannual giraffe masturbation festival), thanks is the root word in Thanksgiving and there's no getting around it. The entire day is built around giving thanks.

You may be wondering why I would have a problem with being thankful. I'll explain. Showing appreciation is good, but at the same time, we throw it around too readily. We say 'thank you' at the drop of a hat, even when we receive things out of obligation rather than kindness or when things are taken rather than given.

I refuse to play that game. I don't hand out my gratitude so liberally. People have to earn it. For example, I don't say 'thank you' when my dealer hands over a bag of feces from an albino, because that's his fucking job. And I don't say 'thank you' when I take babies away from women standing in the JC Penney's parking lot, because they don't hand them over willingly. It's all about deserving the thanks.

And that brings us back to my problem with Thanksgiving. Each Thanksgiving, we sit around and give thanks for a list of things that we've earned or taken, nothing that was given to us. And this dates back to the origins of Thanksgiving, when our forefathers thanked the Indians for sharing their land. Bullshit. They didn't share their land. We fucking TOOK their land. I don't have a problem with it, but, dude, give the appropriate response. After you rape someone's wife, burn down his village and kill his kids, you don't say "thank you." You say, "Now go open a casino, you godless savage." But I guess there's no way to work that into the name of a holiday.

So that's how this whole mess got started, but it should've ended then and there. I can even forgive the Pilgrims for founding Thanksgiving, because there's a good chance they were being ironic. Like, if instead of Christmas, we had called it "The Roman Guard and Nails Festival." So I can understand why the originators of the day would want to call it Thanksgiving, but they should've dropped it the second it became apparent that the red man was officially defeated. At that point, the name "Thanksgiving" went from ironic to blatantly insulting.

That has continued to this very day. We all thank God for a bunch of shit that WE'VE worked our asses off for. "Thanks for our good health?" Fuck that. I'll thank my doctor for my good health. My doctor and the guy that sells me panda urine. "Thanks for this food?" I don't know about any of you, but I can't recall one time when God ever paid my grocery bill. He's taken away a few of my pregnancies, but not once has he paid for my turkey. I assume people thank God in the generic sense that he started the universe and, therefore, he's responsible for everything we have. But that was millions of years ago. What the fuck has He done for me lately?

If anything, Americans should be receiving thanks rather than giving it on this day. Native Americans should be thanking us for allowing the remaining few to stay on our land, God should be thanking us for improving the shithole of a world he gave us, and other countries should be thanking us for even acknowledging their existence.

In fact, that's what we'll do. I don't want to drop the holiday, I just want the principles behind it to change. So America, this Thursday, get prepared to celebrate Thanksreceiving. Just sit back, stuff your fat craw with turkey and mashed potatoes like you always do, and let the thanks wash over you. Thanks for your time. Damn it!

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