Aside from a few randomly placed pumpkins, some shitty horror movies on AMC and the obligatory arson story from Detroit, there is virtually no indication that Halloween is even upon us. In my youth, Halloween was marked with all manner of TV specials, parades, haunted houses, property damage, juvenile delinquency and even protests. Now it's been reduced to four kids knocking on the doors of three houses in the suburbs and idiots eating stale orange cupcakes at a depressing office party.
You may be wondering where I'm heading with all of this. Well I'll tell you. I think it's time we not only return Halloween to its glory days, but improve upon them. Not just for the sake of Halloween, but for the sake of evil in general.
The state of evil in this country is a goddamn joke. I mean, how sad is it that these emo twats have become the unofficial representatives of evil? Despite what these douchebags believe, evil gets shit done. Evil is out there stabbing people and burning down churches. Evil doesn't sit in its room and hardly break its skin with a razor while listening to My Chemical Romance. In short, apathy isn't evil.
So this Halloween, go out there and make us remember why people used to be scared of this day. And the same tired cliches aren't going to get it done. As cute as it is to throw some toilet paper over a tree, it ranks as a nuisance at best. Same goes for water balloons and shaving cream. Just leave that shit at home. If you aren't leaving your house at 2:00 a.m. with anything less than some Molotov cocktails and the contents of the dumpster from the local Planned Parenthood, you aren't doing your job as a representative of evil.
If not for the sake of evil, do it for the sake of good. Think about it. Evil has sucked for the past several years and what have the so-called "good" people resorted to? Banning gay marriage and stem-cell research. Can you really blame them for taking such stupid stances when they don't have anything worthwhile to direct their scorn at?
It's gotten so bad that I think Christmas actually trumps Halloween in the field of bad deeds. Consider this. Christmas activities include opening presents, eating a huge meal and sitting on your ass for the rest of the night. In other words - greed, gluttony and sloth. What does Halloween have going for it these days? At best it only has one of those. The excessive candy can qualify as gluttony, but it least it gives kids some physical activity. It gets them out of the house and it's not even built on materialism. So Christmas is more evil than Halloween. How fucking pathetic is that?
I would say all hope is not lost, but that's really up to all of you out there. This Halloween, I'll be visiting hospitals with my gas can and stopping by nursing homes with my crossbow, but I'm only one person. Whether or not we reclaim this day is up to all of you out there. Good luck and Devilspeed.