Q: Do you often see tiger sharks in the daytime?
A: No, they typically stay in deep water during daylight hours and only come out into the shallows to feed at night. Which, incidentally, is why you should never go for a midnight skinny-dip anywhere except Waikiki, where the washed-off tanning oil from the tourists forms big cholesterol slicks and puts Mr. Tiger there right off his diet.
Q: If you do run into a tiger shark, how can you keep it from attacking?
A: Frankly, the best defense is prevention. Don't thrash the water; don't appear helpless or unaware; don't wear flashy jewelry, expensive watches, or show large amounts of cash - wait a minute, that's how to avoid getting mugged. Then again, all these rules do apply to tiger sharks. Except for the bit about cash, of course.
Q: If a tiger shark is exhibiting aggressive behavior toward you, what's the best way to discourage it?
A: The U.S. Navy has had great success with proximity fuses and one-kilo bricks of DuPont C4.
Q: What if you happen to be fresh out of high explosives?
A: In a pinch, low explosives will do.
Q: Is it absolutely necessary to kill the shark?
A: No. In point of fact, many subspecies are now classed as endangered and are protected by international treaty and law, and it would be a serious crime to kill such a shark. For, as a number of courts in California have ruled, just because an animal is trying to gnaw your leg off, that is not sufficient excuse to permit injuring a member of a protected species.
Q: Oh. So if you don't want to - or can't - kill the shark, what then?
A: You could try talking to it, reasoning with it, or giving it a nice tummy-rub.
Q: Will that work?