Madcap (zimdanen) wrote,
Madcap
zimdanen

FOUND ON REAL HEADSTONES


Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

******************************

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

******************************

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

****************************

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

******************************

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.

******************************

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake

******************************

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

******************************

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

*****************************

John Penny's epitaph in Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

*****************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

*****************************

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

******************************

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

*****************************

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went


******************************

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More

---------------

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for dinner and had a heart to heart talk over about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, pondering her response. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

---------------

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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