* If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
* If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
* Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
* WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never leave.
* Israel is the land of milk and Honey, North London is the land of Milk of Magnesia
* Never pay retail
* Its always a bad hair day if you are bald.
* No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry, but then again no one leaves with a hangover.
* The high holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
* Always whisper the names of diseases.
* If you don't eat, it will kill me.
* Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
* Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
* Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
* A bad matzah ball makes a good paper weight.
* Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
* Before you read the menu, read the prices.
* There's a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult.
This usually happens at around 45.
* According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
* If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone to hear.
* If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
* But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everyone what you paid