Madcap (zimdanen) wrote,
Madcap
zimdanen

* The Optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.



* If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.



* If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.



* Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?



* WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never leave.



* Israel is the land of milk and Honey, North London is the land of Milk of Magnesia



* Never pay retail



* Its always a bad hair day if you are bald.



* No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry, but then again no one leaves with a hangover.



* The high holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.



* Always whisper the names of diseases.



* If you don't eat, it will kill me.



* Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.



* Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.



* Never leave a restaurant empty handed.



* A bad matzah ball makes a good paper weight.



* Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?



* Before you read the menu, read the prices.



* There's a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult.

This usually happens at around 45.



* According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.



* If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone to hear.



* If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.



* But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everyone what you paid
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