April 12th, 2003


Why are you here?

If I left, would you miss me? If I stayed, would you want me to go? Would it matter to you if I lived or died? Would it matter to you if I laughed or cried? If you care, why are you here? Why, when chance threw us together, did you stick around? Why did you bother putting time and energy into interacting with me? What makes me more worth that time than other things that you might be doing or people that you might be with? Why do you talk to me? Do I provide you with anything? Happiness? Comfort? Sadistic pleasure? Do I help you? Do you want to help me? Do you like watching me suffer? Does it bring you joy to know that I am in pain? How about to know that you can help me? Are you a good person if you want me to suffer just so that you can be there for me? Am I a good person when I do the same? Have you ever wanted to hit me? Kill me? Have I ever wanted to hit or kill you? Have you ever just wanted me to leave? Wanted me to stop talking to you, bothering you? Have you ever seen me and avoided me? Have I ever avoided you? What makes you think I enjoy talking to you? What makes you think I don't really hate you inside? Why should you believe that you mean anything to me? And why should I believe I mean anything to you? Why do you laugh whilst I suffer? Why do I cry when you're happy? Why is everything you tell me a lie? Why do you hide yourself away from me? Why do I never tell you the truth? Why do I keep you in the dark about everything that's important to me? Why do I think that you'd hurt me if I let you in? Why do you think you're worthless? Why do I think that I'll never amount to anything that matters to me? Why are you reading this? Why don't you know what I'm trying to say? Why can't I tell you without hiding behind questions? Why is "why?" the hardest question you could ever be asked to answer? And why have you not abandoned me yet? Why are you waiting so long? Will it give you more pleasure when you do, knowing that you've hurt me even more? Why do you think I'll even notice when you're gone? Why do you think I care about you in the least? Why.. why are you here, reading what I post, trying to glean information about my personal life and feelings, when there are so many other things that you could be doing? Why have you taken the time out of your day to read over my entry tonight? Why am I asking you questions that you can't answer, that you don't want to answer? Why are you thinking so much about this that you feel worthless? Why are you worthless? Why can I never be good enough? Why do I think that nothing good will ever stay with me? Why can you not see that I love you? Why can you not see that I despise everything that you are? Why are you still here?!